What a mix of emotions! I started the day excited. Jumped out of bed, did my stretches, had a cup of coffee, and wrote down my “why” for this hike. I wanted to be able to come back to it later, especially when the hike gets tough. We also want to start a blog so that friends and family can keep up with us, and I thought the “Why” would be some good context. We brainstormed some names for the blog that would encapsulate our ear of adventure, like “Take a Leap” (too close to Take a Leak) and “Engaged and Unemployed” (too soon), and eventually we landed on “Trails and Travels.” Then there was sadness. I said goodbye to my parents, who have been incredibly supportive. Then I said good by to Rocío, who I won’t see for some undetermined amount of time. Our last moment was straight out of Garden State – goodbyes, tears, and even the escalator slowly dragging me out of view. But even with all of this, she told me how proud she was that I was going. As I write this, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I have her. She’s never made me feel selfish, crazy, or naive for wanting to do this hike. She has encouraged me from the beginning, simply because it’s something that I want to do, and because she wants me to be happy.
After my goodbyes, I had 3 bus rides and a van shuttle into one of the most remote parts of Maine. We rode right up I-95, past my hometown of Peabody, crossed briefly into New Hampshire, and the homes and shops slowly became fewer and farther in between. And I felt one emotion for almost all of it: fear. My “Why Hike the AT” was a feel-good list of what I hope to learn from this trip, but I spent most of today terrified, and I think that it wouldn’t be fair to share the highs without the lows. So here it is – my complete list of everything that scares the shit out of me about this trip:
Injury. I’ve been rehabbing a leg injury over the last few months that hasn’t quite gone away. It’s possible that it comes back worse. Of course there are plenty of other ways to get hurt climbing over mountains day in and day out, but my leg is actually the number one thing that could have me off the trail within a week.
Ticks and Lyme Disease. I read more than I should have about this – at least the top 5 hits on google about permanent nerve damage. This might seem random to most people, but it’s on my mind.
Loneliness. I love being around people. and Southbound hikers in particular have a lot fewer people heading in the same direction as them.
Boredom. It’s a lot of time to be…just…walking.
Bears.
Judgement. I try not to do things because of what other people will think of me, but at the end of the day, a lot of people don’t understand why someone would do this. I’ve caught the sarcastic “What are you going to do out there? Find yourself?” line more than once. The hike might seem egotistical, risky, or just flat out strange to some.
Failure. Probably the thing that scares me most. How foolish would it be to plan this whole trip just to break an ankle on day 1 and catch 3 more buses back home the next day? Or, what if I just don’t like it and find myself in my tent on the first night asking myself, “What was I thinking?” I left my job, my apartment, my family, my friends, my fiancée to be out here – how stupid am I?
At our school, we put inspiring quotes in our hallways and on the walls of or classrooms so that our kids find the courage to dig deep when school, life, or anything else is challenging. We have them write down their favorites in a place they’ll see each day before school. Right now I’m trying to remember a quote from Brent Brown about “being in the arena” instead of being spectator. I’ll write it down when I get service.
Edit: Here it is. It’s Theodore Roosevelt: “It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Trails And Travels 